No strings attached...

A year or so ago I gave my testimony at church.  It was the scariest moment of my life but at the same time it was the most freeing.  I have always tried to be open and honest with my children as well as my friends and family but up until this point they only knew bits and pieces of my past.  What would happen when I told them everything?  Would they be embarrassed by me?  Would they judge me?  I didn’t know the answer but God put it in my heart that this was what I was supposed to do and for once I listened and obeyed. This is my story:

The youth of our church have been heavy on my heart… the teen girls in particular.  The teenage years are hard and I’ve been struggling with not knowing how I can help guide these girls or what I should do and then it simply came to me….  God said tell them your story.

My parents divorced when I was 2 or 3.  I’m not really sure because I have no memories of my parents as a couple.  My mom remarried a few years later and had a baby so there were three girls in my family…. me, my older sister and my baby sister Ann.  Ann was born with brain tumors, some of them inoperable.  They gave her cobalt treatments and only a life expectancy of about 2 or 3 years.  As if things couldn’t get any worse… they did.  Ann was kidnapped by her baby sitter.  She left a note saying she was going to take her to a place where there was no pain.  My parents feared the worse but by God’s grace Ann was found safe and sound a couple days later in California. This was a sad and confusing time in my life.  I know it sounds selfish considering everything my Mom and the rest of my family was going thru, but the truth is I felt abandoned, alone and scared.  This is when the seed of “I am unlovable” was first planted. 

Growing up I had lots of step moms.  My Dad was an alcoholic and fell into some weird habit of getting divorced about every 4 years.  While I wasn’t close with him during this time, I have to admit I fell in love with each one of his wives.  They became my Mom and that’s where I found the love I was desperately missing at home.  Each time my Dad got divorced my “replacement Mom”, the one I loved and needed, was ripped from my life.  As an adult I understand how it would be hard to continue a relationship with the child of a Man that had emotionally hurt them, but as a child I thought if I had been prettier or smarter or somehow special they wouldn’t have left me.  Each time it happened, it was just more proof that I was indeed “unlovable” and it was during these years that seed flourished.   

By the time I got to High School, I was a needy girl with low self-esteem.  To make matters worse I had a huge growing spurt my freshman year and went from being below average height to above average.  I wasn’t fat but because I was taller and bigger than all my friends I thought I was huge and huge to me meant fat.  I hated myself; I hated the way I looked… I wanted to be someone else, anyone other than myself.  I was 15 when I first started drinking.  I was hooked immediately.  The more I drank the better I felt about myself.  The problem was it was only temporary and the next day I would actually sink lower than I had been the day before.  This was the start of a downward spiral.  My “unlovable” seed had grown so big the need to be loved; feel loved was all I wanted.

I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a boy who claimed to love me.  I thought  we were going to be together forever.  By the time I was 17 “forever” was over and my heart was shattered.  After that, the fact I was “unlovable” was deeply embedded in my soul.  At this point my self worth was so low I didn’t care any more, I had sex with whomever.  It could be a boyfriend or it could be a one night stand it didn’t much matter.  All I knew was it was during those few minutes in that boy’s arms I felt loved.  Intellectually I knew it wasn’t love but that is how desperate I had become.

After high school my addiction to alcohol grew and eventually expanded to include drugs.  About 15 years ago I read an article in Dear Abby and it went something like this “if alcohol is affecting your life, work, marriage and/or family than you are an alcoholic”.  Before I read that I was struggling with my drinking.  I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t think I was an alcoholic.  An alcoholic was something that my Dad was… drinking everyday.  I mostly only drank on the weekends.  But when I drank I couldn’t stop, I didn’t care what I did and I didn’t care where I ended up all I cared about was getting drunk and silencing that voice in the back of my head that kept saying you are unlovable, you are defective, you are worthless.  So there it was in black in white…. I was an alcoholic.  Alcohol was affecting every aspect of my life and there was no denying it.  I quit that day, and I’m been clean and sober since.  Shortly after that I started going to church and yes, my life got better.  I actually started to believe God loved me…. but it was more in a general sort of way. 

Not much later, I attended a Women’s Retreat with my sister.  I have to say it was definitely a life changing event for me.  I was in awe of the women at the retreat.  They seemed so connected to God.  I wanted to be like that but I didn’t know how.  One woman stood up and just opened her bible and started reading.  It fit perfectly with what we were discussing and she said God had just taken her to that page.  Was it true… I wasn’t sure and I was definitely skeptical but if it could happen to her is it possible it could happen to me?   

One night, I was sitting at home looking at the bible my sister had given me years before which I had never opened.  I said “Lord, I want you to show me a sign that somehow out of all these people on Earth you can see and hear just me.”  I opened my bible and started reading.  It was Leviticus.  I have to admit I thought about shutting the book and trying again because I had never even heard of Leviticus.  But, I didn’t and  I read it and I thought alright if I really stretch I can see how this could pertain to my life but it certainly wasn’t the proof I was looking for. I went to church Sunday morning and when the Pastor started reading out of the bible, tears streamed down my face.  Not only was he reading Leviticus but it was the same chapter and verses I had read the night before.  As I sat there in my pew that morning, I knew without any doubt God had heard me and answered my prayer. That was the day my personal relationship with Christ began.  Now, I’m not saying my life has been perfect since then nor am I saying I don’t still struggle with low self esteem and feelings of being unlovable.  What I do know is those thoughts are not put there by God but in fact I’m sure they are put there my Satin.  Most likely hoping they will lead me to that first drink… the first drink that I know would send my world once again spiraling out of control.

Why am I telling you my story?  Because… my heart aches for anyone out there that may feel unloved or worse yet unlovable.  The truth is you are loved.  No matter what you’ve done or what you are doing, where you’ve been or where you are going, what you look like or what you don’t look like… God loves you.  He loves you unconditionally with no strings attached.  There are a lot of things I’ve done that I’m not proud of.  I felt bad and dirty and undeserving of God’ love for a long time but the peace came when I not only knew but I BELIEVED that God loves me and the wonderful thing is God loves all of us even when we don’t love ourselves.  As a friend quoted from the Bible “God takes our sins and throws them as far as the East is to the West.”  Amazingly… God not only forgives us of our sins but He also chooses to forget them. 

As a congregation, I’d like to leave you with this.  Everyone here is part of this church family no matter if it’s your first time coming here or if you attend regularly. Together, we are one family with many mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons.  I urge you to reach out to those whose own blood relatives might have let them down… be there for them.  Let them know they are loved and that they are lovable not only by God but by you.  Tell someone they’re important; send someone a little card that says they matter, give someone a smile.  It doesn’t have to be something big, just let someone know you care.  We aren’t perfect even under the best circumstances.  Because of this, we are going to let people down just like people have let us down but our goal should be to strive each day to lift each other up in the Glory of our God Jesus Christ. 

After sharing my story… it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.  The shame I had carried around for so many years was instantly released.  There’s a saying “the truth will set you free”… I for one believe it.  Lord, thank you for your unconditional, no strings attached love.  You encouraged me to tell my story in hopes of helping others knowing the whole time you were also helping me.